The Moment I Realized My Feelings Were Valid
When I found out I was having another boy, I didn’t expect the wave of emotion that came next. With my first pregnancy, I was very indifferent in terms of having a boy since I knew deep down that I would try again for more children (in hopes for a girl).
But when the second result came back — another boy — I felt something I never thought I would: disappointment. Deep, heavy, shame-filled disappointment. True sadness, tears, guilt, shame, a feeling that I truly cannot even describe.
I have been feeling immensely disappointed for the first week, but it felt like an eternity of guilt. I kept asking myself, How could I be upset when I’m lucky enough to have another healthy baby? But beneath that guilt was something real — grief for the dream I had quietly built in my mind.
No one warns you that joy and sorrow can live in the same heartbeat. I loved my baby instantly — but I also had to say goodbye to the vision of the daughter I thought I might have. Maybe one day we will try again, but for now, I have to be grateful for having the opportunity to have a healthy baby.
It is still taking me time to “move on” from gender disappointment, but deep down I know everything happens for a reason. I suppose I was “meant to be a boy mom.”
Understanding What Gender Disappointment Really Is
Gender disappointment isn’t about the baby — it’s about what that baby’s gender represents to you. For me, it wasn’t just “wanting a girl.” It was the imagined connection — the mother-daughter bond, the shared milestones, the soft balance I thought would complete our family story.
When that dream shifted, it hurt. As I went down a rabbit hole of research from blog posts, Reddit, YouTube, Instagram, podcast episodes, and anywhere that I could learn and understand what gender disappointment is, I quickly realized that so many women experience this — quietly, secretly, often shaming themselves for it.
Gender disappointment can feel isolating because it’s taboo to admit. We’re told to only feel grateful, never conflicted. What I’ve ultimately realized is that both can coexist. You can feel immense love for your baby while mourning the dream of another.
Where Expectations Come From (and Why They Hurt So Much)
I realized that my expectations didn’t appear overnight. They came from childhood stories, movies, and cultural ideals that quietly told me what a “balanced family” should look like — one boy and one girl. I carried those visions into adulthood, painting my motherhood in pinks and blues. I always thought and felt in my soul I would have 2 kids, 1 boy, and 1 girl without even thinking twice about it.
When that picture didn’t come true, it felt like I’d lost a future I already loved. I went down a rabbit hole of every emotion possible. Grief, disappointment, guilt, shame, sadness, something that I didn’t think would bother me as much as it did. I’ve had to learn to understand that you are creating bonds with humans, not just a specific gender.
But motherhood, as I’ve learned, has a way of giving you exactly what you need — not always what you planned.
Grieving the Version of Motherhood I Imagined
That week after finding out was hard. I cried. I felt guilt every time I smiled. It was uncontrollable crying. Tears streaming down my face in between meetings, trying to keep it together on a client call, but quickly crying right after. My parents were here when I told them and I simply couldn’t hold back. I had to cancel dinners and plans with friends because I simply couldn’t bear to tell them my “bad news.” It was a trigger to me when I found out friends who were pregnant with girls and I just simply wonder “why me,” why do I have to be the one to have boys?
But I let myself grieve in my own way. I allowed the disappointment to pass through me instead of pretending it didn’t exist. I decided I was going to cry, let out ALL of my emotions, hurt, shame, and guilt. The more I talked to other people about gender disappointment and read more articles, listened to podcasts, I realized that I wasn’t the only one grieving a loss of a particular gender.
And little by little, the sadness softened. Even though I still go through waves, I’ve simply learned that everything will always be okay.
Two boys meant brotherhood. A lifelong bond. Shared laughter, adventures, and someone who would always understand their world. The thought of them growing up side by side, protecting each other, learning from one another — it made me realize this baby isn’t for me, this is for my son who will now have a brother for life. What an incredible gift that I can give to him and the addition to our family that will look to make our family whole.
Moving Toward Acceptance and Gratitude
Acceptance doesn’t arrive overnight. It unfolds slowly — in little moments that catch you off guard. Like when my son laughs and giggles, I can’t help but smile at how sweet he is.
That’s when the disappointment began to fade — not because I forced it away, but because gratitude started to take its place. I truly try each day to be grateful I have a healthy baby, one that is not sick, all 10 fingers and toes, and that can go on in life to live on his own, and maybe have his own family one day.
I realized that while my story looked different than I imagined, it can and will be beautiful to bring another healthy baby into the world.
How I Found Peace With My Reality
The real peace came when I stopped fighting the “what ifs.” I still go through phases and waves as I write this pregnant with gender disappointment. I don’t think it ever “goes away” but you quickly realize that the bond that my boys will have will last a lifetime.
Once I accepted that, I could finally breathe.
I started to see motherhood not as something to design, but as something to receive. And what I will receive is two beautiful boys who were meant for each other — and for me.
Why We Need to Talk About Gender Disappointment Openly
Gender disappointment is still something most mothers whisper about — if they talk about it at all. But it deserves more light. A LOT more light. I wish more people were open to talk about not being okay. Especially for moms who are disappointed in having boys, that seems to be the most common form of gender disappointment across the board.
Admitting these feelings doesn’t make you ungrateful or “less of a mom.” It makes you brave enough to confront the complexity of motherhood — the mix of joy, grief, surrender, and unconditional love. It makes you realize that you are human and you are allowed to feel how you want to feel. It can be a mix of sadness and gratitude. It can be a mix of everything inbetween. Of course once the baby is here there will be so much love, but it is okay to feel upset and cry sometimes if you need to.
When we talk openly about it, we normalize it. We show other moms that their emotions are not failures; they’re stepping stones toward deeper self-understanding. Once I listened to podcasts of other moms who went through the same thing, I realized that I am truly not alone. I even spoke to other moms that I know with only boys and it made me think that I am extremely normal to feel this way, but each of them love the bond between their babies and how special it truly is.
And when we remove the shame, we make room for grace.
Acceptance Is the Beginning, Not the End
I used to think acceptance meant letting go of the dream. Now I know it means opening up to a bigger one.
The dream didn’t die — it transformed. It will become watching two brothers grow up together, sharing secrets, building forts, and knowing they’ll always have each other.
Slowly, I know this reality will bring me lots of peace. As my husband says they will have a bond and play together ALL the time, which means you will get some time back for you.
Motherhood doesn’t always look like the picture we imagined. And while I may never experience raising a daughter, I know that I’ll be given exactly what I was meant for — raising two incredible boys who mirror the love, patience, and strength I’m still learning to grow into.
Acceptance isn’t the end of the story. It’s the beginning of a new one — one where love is bigger than expectation, and gratitude has the final word.
Closing Reflection
If you’ve ever felt that pang of disappointment or guilt after learning your baby’s gender, know this: you are not alone. Your feelings don’t define your love — they deepen it. One day, when you watch your children together, laughing in ways only siblings can, you’ll realize that your story was always unfolding exactly as it should.
